Penat la nangis.

It was weird how i actually cried while performing my solat hajat praying for you.
and it was you who made my tears fall again.
weird is not it?

how we crave for the attention of someone.

I never ask for any heartbreak in my prayer.

Lelaki semua sama je.

22 years 7 months.

send me your location attention.

22 years and 7 months.
At the age of 22, I felt the taste of heartbreak.
How it felt to be 'in love' with someone.

How it felt to have someone to talk to.
How it felt to have someone for daily calls and texts.
How it felt to have someone to receive the poetry that I read.
How it felt to have someone that cares for me.
How it felt to have someone that said he loves me too.
How it felt to have someone to talk about marriage, future, and kids.
How it felt to have someone you miss too.
How it felt to have someone you pray for their happiness and wellbeing.
(maybe their happiness would include me)

And
How it felt when someone that I love gave my number to his 'future wife'.
How it felt like when you became the meddler in their relationship.
How it felt like when you are just one of the girlfriends and scandals.
How it felt when someone broke the trust you have.
How it felt when someone said that he hates me and at the same time professing his love.
How it felt to cry for someone.
How it felt when someone apologizes and said things are in the past.
How it felt being the chaser and chased.
How it felt being ignored.
How it felt being taken for granted.
How it felt being desperate.
How it felt being sad.

To summarize it all, at the age of 22 years and 7 months, I met a douchebag.
After 7 months, the realization hits me.
Was it love? Lust? Filling loneliness?

Julai.

Aku tengah final exam sekarang. Final yang terakhir.
Aku still contact dia.
Aku still contact dia lepas aku mintak tolong Ad tanyakan perasaan dia dekat aku.
This happens in Mei and now dah nak masuk Julai.

Apa yang aku buat ni.
Apa yang aku buat ni.

Aku tergerak hati nak tulis benda ni sebab aku rasa macam nak menangis je skrg. Dah la exam tak berapa nk perform. Bercinta pun tak kesampaian.

Macam mana aku nak buang perasaan ni. Aku ni bodoh sangat ke. Dia layan aku macam tahi kot. Maybe bila baca ayat confession tu, "I love him but I hope he is not the one that I am going to marry because he treats me like shit". That line hits straight to the heart. Sebab sumpah tak tipu. Aku sayang dia. Walau tahi macam mana pun aku sayang dia.

Aku doa dekat tuhan. mintak perasaan ni dijauhkan. dan bagi kekuatan untuk aku angkat kaki. tapi kenapa aku ni lembik sangat. tolong lah. tolong.

April

Sudah April.
Dan aku masih bodoh.
Aku tahu dia bukan the one.
Aku tahu aku boleh dapat yang lagi baik.
Aku tahu dia tak serius.
Aku tahu semua.
Tapi kenapa even aku tahu semua pun aku tak boleh angkat kaki. Tuhan tolong aku. Diri tolong aku. Otak tolong aku. Tolong aku bangun dan angkat kaki. Aku tak larat. Buang perasaan ni. Buang.

Addicted

Like the lines from Bad Things by Machine Gun Kelly and Camilla Cabello,

'Don't matter what you say, don't matter what you do, I only wanna do bad things to you, so good that you can't explain it, what can I say, it's complicated

So, I keep coming back to you and me, myself confused with what I feel. Pelik kan. I tak pernah jumpa abang, but perasaan I untuk abang is so strong that setiap kali solat, I minta kat Tuhan supaya perasaan tu pergi jauh. But then, perasaan tu tetap ada. Ke benda tu nafsu semata? Abang, I am addicted to you. I sayang you Zafran. Tunggu la I. Jaga la I. Sayang la I. Please.

Time macam ni aku harap esok pagi aku bangun, aku dah takde hirsutism. Relationship would be less complicated and I am gonna pursue the person that I love the most without hesitation.

Of exam and heartbroken

Dalam exam pon aku tak perform. Dalam bercinta pon aku tak perform. Bercinta ke?

So, hari ni dia cakap kita tamat hari ni je la. Haih. Bodohnya aku. Aku patut move on lepas yang dia tanya dia nak cakap something. Aku yang bodoh. Aku tak sepatutnya reply pon dia. haih.

I want to cry so badly. Dia pon dah move on half kan by proceeding with Sofea and deleting our conversations. Kenapa la aku ni bodoh sangat tak nampak the sign. Betul la orang kata, aku  ni menagih cinta orang yang tak sudi. 

Bye Zafran. Thank you abang for all the memories and feelings. It was nice while it lasts.